On A Winter's Night
by Auror Lupin
Summary: Remus recalls how a fight brought his first real love to him On the first snowfall of winter, and now fifteen years later he mourns her passing in hisown way..


A/N: I don't own ne thing but the plot people :O)  
  
  
  
On A Winter's Night  
  
  
  
The scene was one that could have been plucked right off of a Christmas card had it not been for the headstones peaking up out of the ground. It was the first snowfall of the winter season and the sun had not yet risen to break the serene and delicate beauty. There was just enough light to see the soft white snow, hanging on the barren trees branches and on the black gate. Like all the first snowfalls of the past fifteen years, this black cloaked figure had woken early and had gone to the cemetery.  
  
Now he pushed open the gate, and felt a bit sad to see the picturesque snow fall to the ground when it clashed shut. The delightful sound of the snow crunching beneath his feet made him smile slightly and his breath hung in the air and twirled around his head before evaporating, like smoke. He knew the path, even when it was buried beneath 4 inches of the white powder. He pushed through, ignoring the shivers that wracked through his thin form and as the first light hit his face he reached the grave...  
  
~~*~~  
  
The stray beams of early morning light shining into his darkened room were enough to make Remus Lupin roll over in bed with a sleepy moan and open an eye to the morning. He wished with all his heart and soul that he could keep the sun suspended where it was so it couldn't rise any further and ruin the perfect moment that he had made. With the rising of the sun so came the truth he had to face but as long as the moon was still hanging in the sky he could lie to himself.  
  
There she lay next to him, his Aphrodite fallen from the heavens and asleep, curled up next to him like a cat. A small, contented smile was set on her face, the steady rise and fall of her chest was hypnotic and he watched her. She was wrapped up in his drab gray blankets that did her beauty no justice. The pale skin of her shoulders and neck were exposed to the chilly morning air, making the splashes of freckles that covered them stand out more.  
  
She was perfect and it pained him. To have all he desired lying there next to him, so close yet so far away. In his bed, yet not actually possessed by him. And as she blissfully dreamed of whatever angels dream, Remus watched, trying to implant this picture into his mind for ever, because with the sun, it would be lost.  
  
His eyes were drawn to her curly red hair, fanned out behind her head. This passionate creature was all his last night. She had reached something deep within the recesses of his soul and her touch was like fire on his skin that night. She had come to him, confused and upset about her problems. She didn't want advice, she didn't want anyone to tell her that it was okay.  
  
She wanted to be heard.  
  
She wanted him to listen to her as she sat at his small table with a mug of firewhisky in her hands and her tears splashing against his hard wooden table. And he listened, his face set in an unreadable expression as he learned of the fight she had with James, what was said, what was not said, and finally how she ended up here at his small house bawling her eyes out like a scared child and telling him how sorry she was to drag him out of his sleep put this on him. All he had wanted to do was hold her.  
  
And he did.  
  
He slowly pushed his chair back and pulled the mug out of her hands, setting it away from her and had leaned down, till he was at her height. "Lily, I thought you knew you could always come to me with your problems." he whispered, pushing her hair out of her beautiful face and staring sincerely into her bright green eyes, which reflected such thankfulness at the gesture. There were still flecks of snow from the storm outside on her flimsy green nightdress and the skin of her face was cold against his hand. "You must be freezing."  
  
She smiled, and he walked to his closet by the door, pulling out his heaviest black cloak and returning to wrap it around her shoulders. It was far too large for her petite form and it hung on her shoulders as she wrapped her arms up in it. He pulled her up by the shoulders and led her over to his couch, muttering a quick, "Incendio," to the fireplace as it roared to life and crackled merrily.  
  
He sat with her head resting on his shoulder and her knees drawn up to her chest. "Do you want to talk about it anymore?" he inquired and she shook her head, glancing up at him with a glimmer in her eyes and looking away just as quickly. But he had seen it, the need in her eyes. It was mirrored in his and he knew that this was as wrong as it could possibly get but his hand moved, almost of his own accord and caressed her flawless cheek, turning her head back and meeting her eyes. "Thank you Remus." was all she said.  
  
There was no telling how long that moment lasted, when they both just stared, and he didn't know who had moved first but in an instant her lips were on his and his eyes were closed, reveling in the feeling of this true winter creature's body so close to his.  
  
And something so small as a kiss by the fire had brought them here, to his bed with the sun rising and melting their little paradise and hurling them both back into the real world and it didn't matter if they liked it or not. She stirred, rolling a shoulder back and nuzzling her head farther into his pillow before her steady breathing took over once more. She would be waking soon and then there would be the consequences of their actions to deal with. He rolled quietly off the side of the bed and retrieved his clothing which was carelessly thrown in a trail from the living room to the bed room and returned to the kitchen. He poured out the abandoned mugs of firewhisky and rubbed his face with his hands, feeling the slight stubble which was growing.  
  
He rested his head in his hands, his fingers over his mouth and his eyes staring out the window into the yard, covered with snow, twinkling like diamonds on everything it had touched. The first snowfall of the season. He sighed, straightening his back and feeling it crack in response. All he needed was to have James apparate in and find his fiancée in his best friends bed, now that would go over just grand. He snorted, disgusted with himself and his actions.  
  
He had betrayed his best friend, one of his only friends. And he had betrayed Lily as well.  
  
He had let her in too close, to him and nobody had been that close before for obvious reasons. There was no one that could love him for what he was, both a passive human and a vicious beast and for that reason he had to do it. Snatching his wand, which was left on the couch he crossed the hallway, back into his room to find Lily awake, her nightdress on and his cloak hung over her shoulders once more. Her back was to him and she too was looking out at the snow on the ground, a stark comparison to the quiet outside.  
  
He closed the distance between them quietly but she turned when she heard him coming. In her face were lines of regret, which she tried to hide with a small smile. He smiled back, keeping his wand hidden behind his back with one hand. With the other, he took hers and kissed her palm, not breaking eye contact. "I love you." he whispered. Lily opened her mouth to respond but before she knew it his wand was out and he had whispered the charm, catching her as she fell forewords into his chest.  
  
When James arrived he felt another twinge of pain at his worried expression. He was unshowered and unshaven, his black hair sticking out at even wilder angles than usual. He began babbling on about the fight and how wrong he was and how she never came home and how he didn't know what to do, but Remus just held up a hand to stop him. "She's here James, she fell asleep on the couch last night, she's fine don't worry." James smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder in gratitude and rushed in.  
  
Remus barely listened to their conversation.  
  
He watched them apparate hand in hand and he leaned against the doorframe, fighting the wave of emotions that threatened to pull him under and drown him. She would never know and that was well, for he did not want terror in her life...  
  
~~**~~  
  
He reached a gloveless hand down and parted the snow in front of the grave, digging a small hole in the front. He worked quickly, placing the bouquet of beautiful orange lilies in and covering them back up with the soil and snow. They would die, just as their namesake but the beauty of the orange lilies in the first snow fall of the year was a beautiful tribute to a beautiful person, and perhaps she would know how sorry he was that he loved her. 


End file.
